


Thoughts Can Be Suffocating

by examsarecomingbutimprocrastinating



Series: Victuri [2]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Insecurities, Insecurity, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-18
Updated: 2016-12-18
Packaged: 2018-09-09 11:03:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,642
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8888401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/examsarecomingbutimprocrastinating/pseuds/examsarecomingbutimprocrastinating
Summary: Yuri's insecurities came in waves, but once the waves enveloped him, it was hard to get his head above water. Post Ep 11 - Pre ep 12





	

Yuri's insecurities came in waves, but once the waves enveloped him, it was hard to get his head above water. 

"Let's end this,"

The room was suffocating with silence, Victor had not said anything in reply. 

"Please say something," Yuri pleaded. 

"I have to go, Chris asked to meet me," Victor said suddenly, towel still around his hips as he made to walk passed Yuri. 

"Victo-" Yuri caught his wrist as he passed. 

Victor snatched his own wrist back. "No!"

Sitting back down, Yuri could feel his heart shattering as he looked to the floor. In the background he could hear Victor changing. As the door opened, Victor spoke. 

"Why?" 

Inhaling, Yuri replied. "I can't be the one to keep you from what you love." 

With that, Victor walked out. Straight to Chris' room, two floors down. As Chris opened the door, the smile on his face instantly changed to confusion when he saw Victor wearing the most miserable face he had ever seen. 

"Dinner?" Victor asked. 

"By the looks of you, let's skip dinner and just go for drinks. Jesus, what's happened?" He replied as he walked straight out of his room, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder. 

As the sat beside each other at the bar, Chris tried to lift the mood. Talking about anything and everything, he was talking about Yurio as Victor decided to finally talk about what's upset him. 

"That kid is so easy to wind up, lord,"

"Yuri broke up with me" he said with a shaking voice. 

"I, wait. What?"

"He broke up with me. He said after the final, to end this. He doesn't want to keep me from what I love." Closing his eyes, Victor could see the moment Yuri said the words again. "Apparently," he added with sarcasm to his tone. 

"Victor, you have got to talk to him."

"I can feel my heart exploding in my chest, the shrapnel piercing every other organ in my body. Seeing him, being in the same room. I can't do it," 

"Oh shit," Chris said, love looking passed Victor and towards the entry way of the bar. 

As soon as Victor had turned around, Yuri was beside him. 

"Victor, please, can we talk?" He said, with a tone of incredible misery. 

"Why? You've said your part. You've broken me, isn't that enough for you."

"Okay, guys. Let's not do this here, just breathe." Said Chris, trying to calm the situation down. 

"I'm going to bed," said Victor suddenly and walked off. 

Running after Victor and following him out of the hotel, Yuri shouted. "Where are you going??!" 

Stopping in his tracks, Victor turned around, eyes overflowing with tears. "I don't know! How am I supposed to sleep in the same room as you?!"

Behind Yuri, Victor could see a news outlet van behind him driving in the opposite direction. Groaning, he started walking again and turned sharply into an alley way, knowing Yuri was following. 

With his back to the entry way, Yuri stared at Victor in silence. 

"Victor, I didn't want to hurt you," the shake in his voice was back. 

"Are you unhappy with me?" He replied, staring straight into Yuri's eyes. 

"What, no. I'm not! I've loved ev-"

"Am I stopping you from achieving what you want? Do you not want gold, do you want to be in another field?" 

"Definitely not! I wouldn't be this deep into this tournament if I wasn't in love with skating." Looking away from Victor's eyes, Yuri took a deep breath. "Why are you aski-"

"Then why! If you're happy and you want to skate! You've se-"

"Because I'm making YOU unhappy!" 

Silence enveloped their bubble once more. 

"What...I don't follow," 

"I saw the way you watched the other skaters today, you miss it. I could see it! And I'm the only one keeping you from it. I can't bare to be the reason for that any more. It's one thing for other people to be angry at me for taking you away, it's another for me to keep you from where you want to be"

"But I want to be with you!" 

"You're in love with competing, I can't keep yo-"

"I'm in love with you!" 

The only noise the pair could process was the sound of traffic in the background, Yuri is sure he must have misheard him. 

"You, what," 

"I wasn't saying that I'd marry you as a joke. Okay, so maybe saying I would if you won gold was a joke. But, I wanted that with you! For the first time, I wanted so many of those ridiculous things with you." Victor voice began to waver, words bursting and overflowing from his throat. 

"I love you too...but I can't stand seeing you be somewhere you don't want to be." 

Groaning to the air, Victor slid down the wall to a squatting position. After a moment, he looked up to Yuri. It was only now he properly focused on Yuri's face he could see the red veins in his eyes, along with the feigned dullness, trying to disconnect from the situation. 

"Why are you doing this?" Victor asked. 

"I've already sai-" 

"Why are you really doing this, Yuri?" 

Yuri sat on the ground next to Victor. "Yuri, the ground is fil-"

"I don't care." 

Silence. Victor stared towards Yuri's profile, as Yuri looked directly in front of him to the parallel wall. 

"You deserve better than me." He began, bringing his knees up to his face, closing himself in. "I don't know why you've stayed as long as you have. I don't deserve the happiness you've shown me. I don't." Tears began to roll down Yuri's face as he spoke. "And I know you think you love me but that's not enough."

Yuri looked down towards the ground between his legs, the sadness coming from him felt as if he was being slain and defeated. 

"I don't think I do, I know I do. And you're right, love alone isn't enough. Because you deserve security, and comfort, and someone willing to risk everything for you. And I know this is your insecurity talking, I know it."

"Of course it is! The idea of you leaving is breaking my heart! I feel as if I'm suffocating!" 

"Then let me help you breathe!" Victor pleaded, now fully turned towards Yuri, leaning forward on his knees. Leaning his head down onto Yuri's shoulder, Victor took a deep breath, feeling short of breath himself. "Please," 

"I'm scared, Victor." He replied as he laid his head against the others. Reaching out to hold Victor's hand. 

"So am I, but I know you're worth it,"

"How could you possibly know that," 

Smirking to himself despite his eyes still letting a tear escape, "Because I know everything," 

For the first time that day, Yuri felt a laugh bubble up and escape his mouth. He turned his head to the side and kissed the top of Victor's head. "You're an idiot," 

Victor's heart leapt in his chest as he felt Yuri's lips against his hair. Hoping this was Yuri's sign he took back his earlier words in the hotel room. 

"But I love you," continued Yuri. 

Reeling back to look Yuri in the face, hand still in his, Victor seemed to have lost all his words. 

"I'm sorry, I will be more truthful in future. Instead of jumping to stupid action like this," he said , looking to the ground. 

He felt ashamed, he could see the heartbreak in Victor's eyes. And feel the heartbreak in his own chest. 

"In the future? You mean, there is one?" Asked Victor, wanting clarification before he let his heart leap. 

"If you still do, I never wanted any of this to end. I'm sorry, I'm not worth the trouble,"

"Stop stop, that type of thinking is what led to this situation." Raising a hand to Yuri, cupping his cheek, Victor leaned his forehead to Yuri's. "Please talk to me when these thoughts are going through your head. We're partners, that means we should share the weight of each other, not take on a double load." 

With those words said, Yuri embraced Victor, feeling completely unworthy but hanging onto his love anyways. 

\-----------

 

Later that night, technically early morning, the pair had gone to bed. Yuri lying with his head on Victor's chest, legs tangled, Victor's hand in Yuri's hair caressing his scalp. 

"The thoughts are loud again," Yuri whispered. 

"I'm sorry, love. What are they saying?" Victor replied, raising his outer leg higher on Yuri's body, as if to mimic a shield to protect Yuri. 

"That I don't deserve you, that I'm worthless, that I deserve every bad thing to happen to me," 

"Yuri?"

"Mm?"

"Say those sentences again, and replace 'I' with 'he'" 

As Yuri repeated his thoughts in his head, he turned his head inwards to Victor's chest and began to cry softly. 

"That's horrible," 

"I know, don't you feel sad for that 'he'?" 

Victor's words helped Yuri realise the tragedy of his own thoughts. Although it didn't make the thoughts disappear, it did let him see how the thoughts appeared to everyone else. Let him really see the tragedy and incoherency of his thoughts.  
Lifting his head from Victor's chest, he gave him a soft kiss and leaned back. Giving Victor a small but genuine smile,

"Thank you," he said, eyes exhausted with emotion. "I love you, Victor."

Looking back to the man he loved, he replied "I love you too, very much." 

And with that, Yuri lay his head back down on Victor's chest. Sleep somehow came to him easier in that moment, and once Victor heard the soft signs of sleep from Yuri, he allowed himself the luxury. 

Companionship is hard, but with the right person, I know it's worth it. -Victor thought as he drifted to sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> When I struggle with insecurity thoughts, a good person told me about changing the words to "she..." followed by the thoughts. And it broke my heart to hear such horrible things about this hypothetical girl. It helps me to ground me and my thoughts, I hope it may help someone else who struggles with not fab thoughts.


End file.
